Tales from the Tale — Just In the Nick of Time
Have you ever tried to shave your own ass? And no, not just your butt cheeks. I mean all the way to your hole. No matter what angle or how you attempt to view it (I know I’m not the only one who squats over my iPhone 11 Pro), it’s so damn hard to shave it perfectly, let alone without some element of injury. But my story isn’t even really about that. It’s actually a warning to not attempt to shave an hour before your hookup of the century. When the man of your dreams wants his cock in your ass and says — not asks — that he’s coming over right now. You’re not going to say “no”, are you? Of course not. So you rush to prepare your beautiful behind and then… the inevitable happens. Keep reading.
True story. The man I have been courting for months finally texts me “it’s time!” Holding back my shear and utter excitement, and not wanting to be too presumptuous, I casually respond via text asking to be more specific. His response? “My cock. Your ass. See you in an hour!” OMG 😳! The first thought running through my mind was that there are so many things to prepare in so little time. I don’t know about you boys, but my asshole needs to be clean-shaven before I bottom. It’s so bad that without complete smoothness, I get super irritated from all the friction, regardless of the lube I use. And I was hairy AF at the moment. Screaming for all my roommates to get out of my way, I took over our single bathroom and began my routine of all routines.
First up: shaving.
I usually start with shaving my lawn. I have a full-length mirror and I have attempted to perfect the “reach around and under” technique. I trim first with a shaver (its attached protective guard preps my forest so that it’s much more manageable). Then the Bic comes out. Lathered up, and ready to roll, my process is going from in to out, starting directly on the hole. During this rush job and after 80% was complete, I fucking nicked myself on some little extra piece of skin. (FYI: from years of razor use, I have some razor bumps and extra skin formation — small, but present). If you have done this before, then you know it hurts and bleeds like a motherfucker. I was rushing, I know, so it’s my fault. Now, blood was dripping down my leg and, of course, around my poor hole. Nothing was stopping the bleeding, even with tons of pressure. WTF!? Then, I remembered that Dr. G once told me to use Afrin spray if I ever got a nick. So after 10 minutes of bleeding, I placed Afrin, essentially an astringent, and constant pressure, which together stopped the bleeding. I was able to finish up the last bit of shaving and then attempted to survey the damage.
*ETA: T-minus 22 minutes from my house.
Cleaning out (i.e. douching).
Next up: douching, the good ol’ internal rinsey, rinsey. I caught wind of the new Future Method anal douche system, since I see Dr. Goldstein at Bespoke Surgical, and let me tell you — it works like a charm. Two bulb fulls and I am squeaky clean. That said, I also take fiber supplements every evening before bed (it’s the perfect pair to always keeps me ready). After that, I actually dilate with a toy, (1) to make sure I am fully relaxed and well lubricated and (2) to make sure — especially when cleaning in close proximity to the hook up — that there is no more unexpected anal douche solution still hiding up in my ass. This was another wise tip from Dr. G.
The last step is popping into the shower to finish up my usual routine, hoping that I would be aesthetically and functionally sound from top to bottom (pun intended), especially after my shaving debacle. I was trying to stay positive, making sure I could still do the deed. Feeling a little torn up, I assessed the damage, but to my surprise, it wasn’t so bad. Thank god.
After the shaving, the douching and dilating, and finally the showering, I took the time to freshen up with environmentally-safe lotions and fragrances, giving my behind an appetizing aroma and taste. Last, but not least, a cute pair of underwear and my usual black-on-black outfit, and we are ready to fuck.
Ding-Dong. My prince has arrived.
Without wasting any time, we made it into my room and ripped off our clothing. The situation was lit. Total heaven. Cock-on-cock and I was throbbing. He was, too. After some amazing kissing, he went down and licked me so open — holy shit! Lubed up and ready to go, he was finally in me. Years of mental masturbation over this guy finally culminated with him inside me. The session went as well as expected — no crazy gushing or massive trauma from my earlier shaving incident, but it did fuck with me mentally. I was constantly checking the area, as inconspicuously as I could, and chose positions that allowed me not only to be in control, but also to see the area in which I cut earlier and keep tabs on any possible bleeding.
All in all, I give the experience a B +, but I did take home some pointers on minimizing any potential future issues. The most important tip? Don’t shave an hour before your primetime event. Or, better yet, just get that shit lasered, so you don’t have to deal with more preparatory work. Us bottoms already have plenty to prepare for!
Shit, shower, and shave is something most of us do, whether we engage in anal or not. But for us bottoms, this pre-sex ritual adds to the pressures we already face.
Getting rid of hair on your 🍑 can be accomplished through several methods; however, with any of the routes you choose, local irritation is quite common. Why? It’s a very difficult region to assess and truly see what you’re trying to accomplish. No matter what angle you contort your body or device you use to shave, your line of vision is always off just a little or, even worse, a backwards view.
Yes, you can definitely have someone else groom you (there are many people who make a living delivering this type of service). However, shaving comes with its own set of possible complications: razor bumps, skin tag formation, and — worst case scenario — anal wart development. Local irritation and minor nicks and tearing can cause the above. Also, since the hair follicle is still present, though just under the skin, when it regrows, it has the potential of entering the surface haphazardly; meaning forming pimples and the like. Compound that with someone’s cock pounding this area and it just ain’t pretty. Anyone who shaves entirely obviously wants the smooth look and feel. And why not? It feels fucking amazing for both parties. But it’s not always easy to achieve.
Rushing anything is bad. Whether you’re shaving your face or your ass, if you do it at a speedy pace, you’re just asking for failure of some kind. Sure, we all have had those times when Prince Charming and his beautiful cock are coming over and we don’t have much time to prepare. For this client, even though it was stressful getting ready, in the end, it did work out for the best (or at least a B+). Sure, it sounded like the sex was hot, but he also acknowledged that his mental game was a tough one to overcome.
This leads me to discuss laser hair removal. I am so for this service for anyone committed to being hairless in that region. When done correctly, using an appropriate laser with a trained aesthetician just can’t compare with the annoying routine of repetitive shaving. And when done early enough in your bottoming career, the smoothness not only stays, but also limits the complications mentioned above (like lumps and bumps).
We at Bespoke Surgical have taken on the aesthetics of the ass because we see others failing our community. Everything needs specialization and these services complement our surgical offering. We believe it’s imperative to not only feel comfortable in a non-judgmental atmosphere, but also to receive the service in the correct way.
We want the entire hole treated with the full knowledge of its uses and, yes, misuses. With this understanding, we are able to treat our clients and the community as a whole with the respect it deserves. Soon, you’ll be hearing more from our personalized aesthetician at Bespoke Surgical, Chris Bustamante. We are beyond excited to welcome him to our team to help make sure we create the appropriate protocols to meet the demands of all our clients. In the coming weeks, we will be expanding our services in our NYC office to enhance your bottoming experience from the inside out. Stay tuned!
Dr. Evan Goldstein is the Founder and CEO of Bespoke Surgical. Dr. Goldstein has extensive experience educating and shedding light on health care issues relating to the gay community, and has been published in several national publications including The Advocate, OUT Magazine, Vice, Refinery 29, NY Mag and more.