Health

Tales from the Tail —Get a Load of This (NSFW)

*Graphic Nudity Below*

Client’s Tale

There’s a secret underground fetish of size that lives in the shadows of the gay kink world. We hide due to fear of judgement, rejection, and outright ridicule from people who would otherwise make us feel like outcasts and freaks. Quite honestly, we are…

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always obsessed with larger than normal male genitalia (especially on myself). I was equipped with an above average package, and I got by with pumping and saline inflation for years to satisfy my desire to be a bit bigger. I found as I’ve grown a bit older, it wasn’t just a phase involving my younger years — it was a lifelong obsession that was part of my DNA.

Genitalia size is ingrained in our culture — in our thought process — when it comes to thinking about males. Homosexual men are absolutely obsessed with size. It’s a competition that’s instinctual as much as being attracted to men is genetic.

In 2016, I came across a blog that led me to a solution for my obsession. It was a place where I could obtain pure, cosmetic grade silicone for self-injection. After some research, I also discovered that a few medical professionals in the world do engage in the practice of this secretly, and you need to know the right people. However, I decided that my experience with saline was deep enough to comfortably handle this permanent step up in size — one that stays with me until I either surgically get it removed or expire. I placed my order and waited.

About a month later, my supplies arrived. I spent a few weeks contemplating, talking with my husband, and then I took the plunge. We went back and forth, he was a bit more against it than I anticipated, but understood it was something I really wanted. Looking back on it, I feel I even let my obsession get in the way of his true wishes, but I realize he let me do this — to change my body — out of love. Plus, I’m a bottom and he’s a top, so my junk wasn’t really used much in our sexual escapades.

Eventually, we settled on an understanding and I could change my body into something I always wanted.

One November weekend, I nervously assembled my supplies, read the haphazard and poorly translated guide, inserted the needle into my scrotum, and pushed the plunger down on the syringe that contained about 50cc of silicone. I immediately felt an overwhelming sense of satisfaction, a sense of completion and purpose. I could see the increase in size — the more I put in, the bigger I got. The same situation applies to the penis — and I added it there a few days later. It became an obsession for me, something that satisfied my lifelong thirst, but also left me wanting even more.

The aftermath of the initial injection was a bit painful, but that was expected. Bruising and inflammation was known to happen as the body was encountering this material for the first time. It diminishes within a week and the body builds a barrier isolating it from the rest of you — a firm granuloma most of the time. This can last for 6–12 months before the granuloma dissipates and everything becomes soft and squishy. You can inject only a certain amount within a certain timeframe as it’s very taxing on your body. Rinse and repeat, and you can keep going. Think about it: you grow your junk as much as you want — it’s literally one of the holy grails of male sexual prowess! Sadly, the ability to play God with your junk is addicting, and it’s not always a happy ending.

Many people have died from this, and it’s unfortunate. It’s an extremely risky obsession that’s hurt many people and destroyed entire families. I, myself, haven’t escaped unscathed as I once experienced a severe infection due to poor materials and even ended up hospitalized after accidentally nicking a vein. Your genitalia will start to lose all shape if you go too fast or too big; if you’re uncut, you’ll be unable to pull your foreskin back if you get too large. You’ll end up unable to penetrate people as well if you keep going past a certain amount, but for people like myself — a bottom — it didn’t matter to me.

Being able to live with such size between my legs has been worth the journey.

Not a day goes by where it’s not a part of my thoughts with most everything I do. People I pass on the street glance down, wondering what’s up down there. I find a strange sense of satisfaction seeing the gears turn in most people’s heads, because they don’t have an explanation for what they just saw. I’m able to get guys into bed who never would consider me — because I’m now a unique curiosity and not just another hole. I’ve made myself into an experience and that’s elevated my self-esteem to levels I never thought possible. I’ve satisfied myself and plenty of guys who just want to know what it’s like to have massive junk, and many just want to fulfill that desire they’re always had. An extremely small amount of people have the, uhm, balls, to go through with making that thought a reality.

I’ve spent the past two years injecting a total of 2500cc of silicone into my genitalia (2-liter soda bottle + a little bit more if you need a relatable reference). I still get hard, ejaculate, you name it — just bigger. I was circumcised as a child, and I’ve managed to reverse that entirely. I’m even “locked-in” as the community says (can’t pull my foreskin back), but don’t mind at all. Overall, my life is relatively normal, minus some custom underwear and care to hide things out in public. I’ve also had no lingering medical issues minus some tenderness and strain as things continue to grow and encapsulate on their own.

My emotional state has been positive for the most part. I’ve had a few ups and downs, wondering if I made the right choice, and I always end up at “yes”, one way or another. It’s changed my marriage in a very positive way because I’ve pursued fisting heavily, as well as pup play and other fun kinks to make up for my uselessly huge junk. I now proudly go out to kink fairs, events, parties, and the like because I’m the topic of conversation and appreciation. For someone who is socially introverted, that’s a huge deal and makes this journey completely worth it. That self-confidence has allowed me to change how I think as a person and keeps my anxiety at bay. I guess having to stare anxiety directly in the genitalia helps a bit?

I’m relatively young in the silicone community compared to most veterans, especially for the amount I have injected. It’s been going on for decades it seems, in a very secretive and underground way. I’ve become more of a pillar than anything, showing people what is possible, with a knowledgeable, smart, educated guy, able to talk sense into others. I’ve guided people away from the fetish, told people they should follow their desires, and even let people live a bit vicariously through me so they can satisfy their thoughts. I’ve made friends and a family that spans the world, all because I was confident enough to do something I’ve always wanted to do. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

My Discussion

First and foremost, I want to thank my client for giving us insight into a very complex world, especially the decision-making process to enter into it. It literally takes big balls and kudos again. With that said, I want to tackle some of the issues mentioned, as well as touch on some medical concerns about its use.

Mental

Body contouring and augmentation has been around for ages, some legal and some not. But its existence stems from alterations for improvement and overall enhancement. This clearly comes from a desire for physical changes, but more so the mental ramifications, specifically as it builds one’s overall self-confidence. We can see from the above story it has achieved its desired outcome and, with that, what more could you ask for?

So, when does it end? We see many portrayed in the media that develop a considerable addiction, leading to body dysmorphia and/or possible death. With this said, among other potential ramifications that will be discussed later, how do we make sure a support system is in place to allow people the right to alter their bodies, but accomplish it in a controlled environment with all the psychological manifestations being discussed up-front, prior to injecting, and also continuously monitored throughout the process? I don’t have the answers, but it’s worth throwing it out there.

Physical

So you want to get into self-administered silicone injections and are curious if I think this is wise on a medical and surgical front? No. But that’s not going to change many people’s viewpoints and also desires. So let’s go over a few things… Even recently, the FDA issued a statement on the matter, since many have had not as favorable responses to these treatments as my client has. Though even he admitted he had endured an emergency that needed medical attention.

First off, are we sure it’s actually medical grade silicone? Most physicians, if they are smart, will not deliver this as part of their large volume injectable armamentarium, as its use has significant risks associated. Many mail order or direct to consumer models are not what you think they are, and since it is not regulated at all, you have no way of actually finding out. So I implore you to proceed with caution.

Now, as it relates to injectable silicone, it is a permanent liquid substance that can move throughout the body and cause serious health consequences, including death.

“In fact, when injected into areas with many blood vessels (such as the butt and or balls or penis) it can travel through those vessels to other parts of the body and block blood vessels in the lungs, heart, or brain. This can cause a stroke or even death.” 

“Large-scale injectable silicone for body contouring and enhancement can also result in a painful and hard, gravel-like substance that stays permanently beneath the skin.”

My client makes mention of these hard nodules forming and then softening over time. But I have seen the opposite, where the skin and subcutaneous tissues become so engorged and hardened that the skin breaks down, leading to cell death and necrosis and/or the silicone cracks into the bloodstream, causing silicone toxicities or the aforementioned heart and lung blockages. These ramifications can occur years and years after the initial injections, with clients continuing to have serious side effects that require ongoing treatment.

Not to mention, the dysmorphic ramifications of surgeries to potentially correct these complications are horrific. In the case of my client, if he runs into these problems, he is literally fucked — needing removal of the entire cock and balls.

So you ask the question: if he is indeed such a bottom, who the fuck cares what his cock is like, when all the boys wanna see him from behind anyway? And really, how truly functional is this in the erect position (even though he alludes to its success during engagements)? The answer is: for him it has completely served its purpose and then some. Sure, not everyone is going to agree with it. Some may even ridicule or get a laugh at his expense. But kink and fetishes can play a huge role in our sexual desires and to not cater to them (or at least within reason) would limit one’s overall fulfillment in life.

Summary

That said, everything has a risk-benefit ratio and it is up to us, as medical professionals and the community at large, to fully embrace all aspects of our culture. Part of this means making sure to provide safe spaces for not only discussing all of these ramifications, but also being part of one’s journey through thick and thin. I do believe my client’s life story is still being written and, of course, we only wish him the most positive experiences moving forward. But I do want him and all others to know, specifically at Bespoke Surgical, we are always available to assist in whatever life has in store—free of any judgement. In the meantime, we hope this sheds some light onto this underground culture and it definitely gives us all some food for thought.

Don’t forget to stay in touch on Instagram: me and Bespoke Surgical.

About Dr. Evan Goldstein

Dr. Evan Goldstein is the Founder and CEO of Bespoke Surgical. Dr. Goldstein has extensive experience educating and shedding light on health care issues relating to the gay community, and has been published in several national publications including The Advocate, OUT Magazine, Vice, Refinery 29, NY Mag and more.